Sunday, February 15, 2009

The Prodigal Blogger Returns

Life's challenges piled up like Mount Everest. My computer crashed, so I have been unable to keep up with my Internet obligations since September. Money issues...health issues...all in all, it's been a pretty tough year. On top of all this, that beautiful gunfighter (my brother) in the post below, has since passed on, hopefully to bliss. That has always been my belief about passing on, though lately belief has been harder to come by. Cancer is an enormous challenge, for all involved.


For a long time, I thought I had a pretty good grip on reality...as I defined it, anyway. I've believed that there are only two choices...love or fear. I still believe that, though I've really had to accept the fact that a simple choice...isn't always easy. Somehow, this year, I really lost my way and I don't think I'm alone. From our personal challenges, to our community challenges to the challenges our government now faces to pull our economy out of the dumpster, not to mention their pursuit of peace in the Middle East, the challenges of 2008 have produced a bumper crop of frightened, disillusioned people...including me.

Recently, there has been a shift in my consciousness and I'm wondering if anyone else feels it. A new president certainly helped to lift my spirits. Having a new computer is working wonders, but I realize, as I look behind me, that it was me who had to choose to alter my perspective, first.

Every time I tell someone "Nothing happens that isn't for your greater good", I always end up having to prove that, in some way. Every time that happens, I tell myself "I'm just going to shut up, now". But even now...even during the most difficult period of my life to date, I can honestly say that I still believe that. For the past year, I have been "raked over the coals" emotionally, spiritually, physically (though not literally).

Maintaining my "Pollyanna" attitude has felt impossible, at times. I have come to understand that choosing love, peace and joy does not mean suppressing your hurt feelings. I just had too many, to pretend they weren't there. It's been one of my most difficult lessons, because my brain says "choosing joy (when I feel like crap) is the best medicine," but how does one do that without suppressing feelings? Well...the trick, for me, is to go ahead and feel the things I feel, when I feel them. I mean, if I feel like crying, I cry without attaching judgement (there's a time and a place, etc.). Emotions need to be expressed, hopefully in constructive ways, but I have to let them out. It's in the "in-between" times that I can, consciously, choose love, joy, peace and if I do that, the hard times seem to shrink. They don't go away, altogether. We need them for our growth, but they shrink in my perception and fear of them. This ALWAYS ends up altering my reality, for the better.

So in the in-between times I meditate, dance, sing, breathing in joy, peace, love and especially gratitude. When I'm hurt I cry, rant, rave (being careful not to harm anyone), scream into a pillow, create art, write a song...whatever it takes to express it. Then I surrender the hard times. For me, it's to the Universe, but just the use of the words "oh well" can be a powerful surrender. The important thing is to keep from getting stuck in worry and fear.

I think that's where I have been, for the last year. Choosing love became a lot more difficult, at times and I was forgetting to make the effort, during the times I might have had the strength. Once I remembered to do that, things started getting better. Looking back, through all the hardships I can see that I still have food, a roof and an abundance of loving and supportive friends. I survived 2008 and I think I may have even prospered, spiritually speaking. I do know I've learned a lot. Things are looking way up for 2009 and I'm looking forward to a year full of happy "in-between" times.

Anyway, it's good to be back on line! Let's get this blog moving, again!

Brightest Blessings!

Bettina

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

hmm.. bookmarked text )

Susan said...

"as I look behind me, that it was me who had to choose to alter my perspective, first."

So true isnt it? The bounty is and has been there - I simply had to let go of past and future to see what I had now.

Susan